The Constitution, Updated for Modernity

We the People of the United States, in order to form a more corporate union, establish selective justice, insure domestic complacency, provide for the common defense against bigotry, distribute welfare, and subjectively interpret the definition of liberty to steal trillions from our posterity, do ordain and establish this optional Constitution for the United States of America.


Article I

Section 1

Certain legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States; those unmentioned shall be assumed by the bureaucracy.

Section 2

Members of Congress, federal employees and corporate sponsors shall be exempt from the mandates of legislation.

Section 3

The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises as principal collateral for federal printing. All taxes shall be uniform throughout the United States, except the Federal Personal Income Tax, Estate Tax, Property Tax, Social Security Tax, Payroll Tax and Federal Healthcare Mandate, which shall be imposed at the discretion of the Executive.

Section 4

Congress shall have the power to borrow money on the credit of future generations in order to forge the appearance of fiscal responsibility;

To regulate commerce with foreign nations, among the several States, and between the firms that threaten the corporate sponsors;

To suggest a Rule of Naturalization for subjective enforcement by the Executive;

To establish a federal bank for the assurance of everlasting inflation;

To print money, endlessly deflate the value thereof, and assume the right to all precious bullion;

To delegate legislative powers to the Executive;

To develop monetary objectives and employ the federal bank in the execution thereof;

To promote economic tranquility by securing for limited times to corporations and special-interest groups the legal monopoly on a private industry;

To override judicial authority by instituting mandatory terms of imprisonment; 

To declare war, grant letters of reprisal and delegate war powers to the Executive;

To raise and maintain Armies, Navies, Air Forces, Coast Guards, National Guard Services, Federal Police Forces, Federal Bureaus of Investigation, Immigration and Custom Enforcement Agencies, National Security Agencies, Central Intelligence Agencies, Counterterrorism Task Forces, Cyber Command Squads, National Reconnaissance Offices, National Geopolitical-Intelligence Agencies, Missile Defense Agencies, Federal Emergency Management Agencies, Transportation Security Administrations, Secret Services and other agencies purposed for the protection and maintenance of the domestic complacency; and no appropriation of money to those uses shall be subject to criticism;

To make optional guidelines for employees of the government and regulate every aspect of the lives of the people;

To provide for the calling forth of the Militia to relinquish its right to keep and bear arms;

To prohibit the personal consumption of harmful beverages, foods, narcotics, chemicals and information;

And to make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested in the government of the United States, executive agencies and various corporate sponsors.

Section 5

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, except in cases of insurrection, rebellion, invasion and suspected terrorism.

No money shall be drawn from the Treasury but in consequence of appropriations made by law; or by Executive Order for the remittance of ransom, subsidization of corporate sponsors, or aid to foreign adversaries.

No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States. No person holding any office of profit or trust under them, shall, without the consent of the Congress, accept any present, emolument, office, or title of any kind whatsoever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State, unless the corresponding funds are laundered through domestic charitable organizations.


Article II

Section 1

The Executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall be instituted via the Executive Selection Process:

Each corporate sponsor of the Congress shall appoint, in a manner which the press shall disguise as democracy, a number of selectors proportional to the contribution provided by each respective sponsor. The selectors shall meet with the members of the press in early November every fourth year to inform the people of whom they have selected; and, on occasion, if the domestic complacency indicates popular dissatisfaction, the selectors shall submit to the press a number of candidates to fashion a public campaign against the selected until the domestic complacency is restored.

Any citizen who has not attained the age of thirty-five, is not a natural citizen, or has committed a felony shall not be eligible to the Office of the President, unless that person has previously served as a member of Congress, secretary of an executive department, or employee of a corporate Sponsor.

Section 2

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, the Militia of the several States, and the Fleet of Predator Drones. 

He shall have the power to invade sovereign nations and topple the governments thereof;

To draft a Kill List and carry forth the execution of persons enumerated therein;

To falsify, censor, edit and destroy public information during times of war, if the information could threaten the domestic complacency;

To devise and execute attacks against the United States and their allies in order to expedite the restoration of the complacency of the people;

To imprison without due process any person who criticizes the government during times of war;

To override Congressional action if motivated by strong personal desire;

To define, interpret and broadcast the federal narrative;

To compel persons to purchase services and commodities from the various corporate sponsors;

To selectively nullify the right of organizations to conduct private business;

To liquidate a firm which threatens the monopoly of a corporate sponsor;

And to subsidize members of the press who broadcast the federal narrative.

Section 3

The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States shall be removed from office on impeachment for, or accusation of, the attempted reduction of the size, scope or growth of the federal government, hereafter referred to as Executive Treason.


Article III

Section 1

The judicial power of the United States shall be vested in one Supreme Court, the Justices of which shall retain the power to construe the composition of the Constitution in order to protect the federal government from oversight and criticism. 

The Justices shall, from time to time, invent an inconsequential privilege and award it to the People, to insure the strength and longevity of the domestic complacency.

Any law duly enacted by the Congress may at any time be permanently nullified by the opinion of the Court.

The rulings of the Supreme Court are implied to be superior to this Constitution, provided no decision overrules the Whim of the Executive.

Section 2

The Justices of the Supreme Court shall be appointed by the President and serve for terms of good period, provided they do not combat the federal narrative.

Section 3

Terrorism shall consist in conducting an attack on the United States, conspiring against the government, providing aid or comfort to her enemies, distributing propaganda contradictory to the federal narrative, threatening the domestic complacency, or exploring, plotting, or committing any act perceived to be hostile to the government or its corporate sponsors. 

No person shall be convicted of terrorism except by virtue of Executive Order, testimony of a federal employee, or suggestion from a corporate sponsor.


Article IV

The suggestions outlined in this Constitution shall be eligible for selective obedience by the various branches of government; therefore, the federal government shall retain exclusive interpretative authority.


Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, except for the allowance of legalized tax evasion;

Nor shall the Congress make a law prohibiting the private exercise of an approved religion;

Nor shall it abridge the freedom of politically correct speech;

Nor shall it disparage the right of the people to peaceably assemble in free-speech zones;

Nor shall it deny the right of the press to be censored;

Nor shall it limit the right of the people to petition certain parts of the government on certain days for a limited amount of time and no warrant of efficiency.


Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being ultimately inconsequential to the security of a free state, the right of some people to keep and bear semi-automatic arms shall not be infringed, unless the arms appear intimidating, possess multiple attachments, feature handles that improve ease of use, display nonuniform color patterns, employ ammunition above a certain caliber, or offer a capacity greater than 10 units of ammunition.


Amendment III

No soldier shall in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law, except in times of wars on topical adversaries, in which case the consent of the owner is implied.


Amendment IV

Congress shall make no law violating the right of the people to understand that if they have nothing to hide, they have nothing to fear about a secret and unaccountable government agency passively collecting their private information and communication. No warrants shall issue, but on probable cause, unless the alleged crime involves terrorism, in which case no warrant is required. All other warrants shall describe the places to be searched and persons or things to be seized, unless the person is a terrorist (no warrant required) or the thing is a computer (no warrant required).


Amendment V

Nobody, except terrorists, shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury;

Nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, unless the offense is terrorism;

Nor shall any person be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, unless the prosecution is unable to decrypt his personal effects, in which case he shall be compelled to provide the password;

Nor shall any citizen whose name has never appeared on the no-fly list be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law, unless the eradication of his liberty occurs overseas by way of drone-strike;

Nor shall private property be taken for public use, unless the property in question is gifted, discovered, earned, or inherited money, in which case the federal government shall assume the exclusive right to ownership thereof.

The government shall not take private land for public use, unless the land or any land near it is of significant value to the federal narrative.


Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to an inconvenient and costly trial by an impartial Jury, unless the crime is terrorism, in which case the right to a trial is waived.


Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, except in cases of alleged terrorism; and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, unless the Department of Justice publicly indicates doubt of the validity thereof.


Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless the crime is terrorism.


Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people; however, the enumeration of certain names, in a secret list, shall be construed to deny and disparage the right to bear arms and board planes.


Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people, unless the federal government decides otherwise.